No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
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Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Stop it! 😂
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.