No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
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Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.