Looking up at his wife, he asked, “Honey, Do I have trouble making up my own mind?”
“No Karen I don’t want to see pics of your ugly kids & stupid cats” or as I usually say: “Awww how cute”
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I must be getting old…my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Me: I’m heading off now.