3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
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[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.