@dxblarssonENG

“No Karen I don’t want to see pics of your ugly kids & stupid cats” or as I usually say: “Awww how cute”

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@i_theindian

Looking up at his wife, he asked, “Honey, Do I have trouble making up my own mind?”

@Parker_Simpson

I must be getting old…my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory

@LoveNLunchmeat

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

@thepaulahunt

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

@matt___nelson

JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT

@PaperWash

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

@Crunk_Jews

Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.

@SardonicTart

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

@ShitJokes

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”