Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
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Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
lmao
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it