Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
You Might Also Like
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?