No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
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*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
A classic…
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…