No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
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When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.