No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
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Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I need better friends
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
an airline just for babies.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.