I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
You Might Also Like
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
What I’ve learned from Twitter:
1. Men are pervs
2. Women are pervs
3. Cats are pervs
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
If we are in fact living in a computer simulation, I wish the 11 year old running my account would send me to the gym more often
“Can we FaceTime?”
Me – No I’m busy
Me – Being ugly. Mind your business.