ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
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“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
OH SHIT WHERE
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.