@aussiesdointhgs

No laws when master is gone

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@Staggfilms

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

@jwoodham

“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.

@Iwriteforcats

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

@RunOldMan

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

@moose_chocolate

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

@RobinMcCauley

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

@abbycohenwl

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

@Death_Buddy

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

@fro_vo

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE