No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
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You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.