No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

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Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.


Don’t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.


[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?


[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*


*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?


Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but can’t tipfinger


bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more


I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.


DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”



93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.


Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.