“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
You Might Also Like
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.