No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
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Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.