My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in their coffee.
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Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Call me a burglar, except all I take is things personally.
Fire roasted pizzas
Delivery in six minutes or less
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
The pen is mightier than the sword if you have a really good pen and a really shitty sword.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost