Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
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them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.