No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

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“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why


I root against my college football team. That place put me $80,000 in debt. It’d be like rooting for the bank that holds your mortgage.


*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*


Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke


At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.


him: license and registration please
me: *hands them over*
him: *eats license and registration*
me: now wait a min-
him: *burps* insurance card please


On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.


Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam’s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.


why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE


I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”