@bartandsoul

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

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@woodmuffin

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

@juliussharpe

I root against my college football team. That place put me $80,000 in debt. It’d be like rooting for the bank that holds your mortgage.

@thepaulahunt

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

@BillyYvonne

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

@I_Bl33d_Purple

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

@UncleDuke1969

him: license and registration please
me: *hands them over*
him: *eats license and registration*
me: now wait a min-
him: *burps* insurance card please

@causticbob

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

@xysist

Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam’s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.

@IamEnidColeslaw

why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

@Midgetspar

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”