Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
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HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
T: What about other people
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Pooh: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
Pooh: There’s. A. Rumbly. In. My. Tumbly
Pooh: I’m hungry
Piglet: Say that then
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
*inside camp-out tent*
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming