No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
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If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
And now we wait
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers