@bartandsoul

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

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@Thynebear

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war

@platinum2000

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

@oothikicha

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

@iwearaonesie

Pooh: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
Piglet: What?
Pooh: There’s. A. Rumbly. In. My. Tumbly
Piglet:
Pooh: I’m hungry
Piglet: Say that then

@Sanbel11

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

@MattTheBrand

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

@FrogAvalanche

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

@TheDreamGhoul

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming