No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
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Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.