No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
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October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or