@LittleMissZesty

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

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@AbbieEvansXO

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

@skittle624

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

@Browtweaten

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

@dreamthievin

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

@OfficialMizGin

Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.

Me: How many more until you get a personality?

@bourgeoisalien

Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be?

Me: Can they both be dead?

@rachelmillman

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

@DeanScott01

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.