Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
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There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.
Me: How many more until you get a personality?
Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be?
Me: Can they both be dead?
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every six months about it.