No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
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Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted