Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you
Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
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Her: Ok you hang up.
Him: No, you hang up first.
Her: No, you first.
Him: No, you first.
NSA: Both of you hang up.
My License to Kill was revoked due to abuse of power.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.