@E_lok44

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

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@MoneypennyNaked

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

@JerseyRambo

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

@withanewname

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

@Douchekevin

I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.

@saintmikayla

someone on Reddit said English is like five languages hiding in a trench coat pretending to be one language and like….yeah

@andylassner

Don’t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.

@kwirkyKerri

Text from niece: I’m board!
M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling.
N: Wat?

@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

@DaddyJew

Cop:alright now repeat after me

Me:repeat after me

C:no not yet

M:no not yet

C:stop

M:stop

C:put your hands in the air

M:put your h..