@E_lok44

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

You Might Also Like

@KattsDogma

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

@Pro_Jones_

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

@titanmoon10

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

@girlontapas

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

@I_Bl33d_Purple

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

@TheAndrewNadeau

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

@Cheeseboy22

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

@nicfit75

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

@Gupton68

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t