No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

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All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.


(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the


[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up


Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.


When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.


The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist


We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.


My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.


Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.


[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t