The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
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I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.
someone on Reddit said English is like five languages hiding in a trench coat pretending to be one language and like….yeah
Don’t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
Text from niece: I’m board!
M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling.
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Cop:alright now repeat after me
Me:repeat after me
C:no not yet
M:no not yet
C:put your hands in the air
M:put your h..