No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

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Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead


Her: Ok you hang up.

Him: No, you hang up first.

Her: No, you first.

Him: No, you first.

NSA: Both of you hang up.


Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.


A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.


The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.


Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile


today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING


Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.


Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.