No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

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Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us!

Me: Why? Who’s celebrating their 12th birthday?


Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.


Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.


When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.


Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians


“I’m tired of fruits that taste good.”


GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.


If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.