No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
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My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.