No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
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I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.