@TheDairylandDon

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

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@liv_mckenzie_

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

@Brianhopecomedy

*wife phones*

“Hi!”

“Hi! Did you clean the house?”

“Uhh…YUP!”

“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”

“Yes, about 2 hours.”

@PanicRestroom

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

@lmegordon

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

@better_off_dad

Sometimes I think the only thing I learn from my mistakes is how to make bigger ones.

@76coop

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

@Rollmaninoz

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

@thetobbie

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

@iQuoteComedy

What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”