No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

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I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁


*wife phones*


“Hi! Did you clean the house?”


“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”

“Yes, about 2 hours.”


What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?


My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.


Sometimes I think the only thing I learn from my mistakes is how to make bigger ones.


20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.


[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned


Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…


What do we want?” “A cure for ADHD!” “When do we want it?” “Squirrel!”