No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
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DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
PLOT TWIST:
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar