No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
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Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.