No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
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Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
*hires sky writer*
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the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.