No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
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[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
This raises questions
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Banana is the quietest snack
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.