Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
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My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.