No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

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[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..


Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.


Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.


BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance


Friend: Look on the bright side
Me: [walks away]
Friend: Where are you going
Me: To talk to someone who doesn’t say shit like that


“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”


“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”


[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?



Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?


I promise to find a new girlfriend right away when my old girlfriend gets eaten by walkers.

America needs a first lady.