@SteveKoehler22

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

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@ShutUpThatsWho

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

@TheSnideOne

Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

@jazmasta

BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance

@AmberTozer

Friend: Look on the bright side
Me: [walks away]
Friend: Where are you going
Me: To talk to someone who doesn’t say shit like that

@aksorojas

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

@slyoung5

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

@PresidentGrimes

I promise to find a new girlfriend right away when my old girlfriend gets eaten by walkers.

America needs a first lady.