@bourgeoisalien

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

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@Jake_Vig

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

@CulturedRuffian

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

@krisv_723

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

@mrjohndarby

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

@myonlymizztake

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

@LimeyTheGreat

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

@AndyAsAdjective

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

@sageboggs

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong