7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU’LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT
Me: *slowly shreds Pokémon cards w/out breaking eye contact*
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
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Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?
*racks the chamber*
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)