[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
You Might Also Like
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
A completely valid reaction tbh
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.