No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
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WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Why I divorced her.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.