no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
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A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
This line from Airplane.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.