@wolfpupy

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

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@illiter8too

Murder is justifiable if it’s against a person who calls you and hands their phone off to another person with whom you didn’t wish to speak.

@Vandalyzm

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

@buttsword

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

@lawyerthoughts

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

@kharizzmaaa

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

@ShortSleeveSuit

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

@AintNoFamily

Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.

@Boo_berries_

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

@TheWoodenslurpy

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

@MrGeorgeWallace

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.