The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
You Might Also Like
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.