Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
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I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
my proudest tweet
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
In Canada they just call them geese
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW