No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
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[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.