No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.