no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
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[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”