@SentenceReduced

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

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@Playing_Dad

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

@Lhlodder

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

@roxaroodw

He told me he was uncomfortable dating someone with so much inflatable furniture.

@gorrdano

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

@mela_shea

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

@carlyken

How To Tell A Girl Is Mad:
1. She tells you she’s mad
2. She tells you she’s not mad
3. She sets your stuff on fire
4. She sets you on fire

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

@AristotlesNZ

Woah, woah! Lets see some I.D., Kid!

LOLZ!! Just kidding! Press that button and come on in!

-Adult Websites

@maughammom

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.