No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
You Might Also Like
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
My birthstone is kidney
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Ummm
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful