No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
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Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Wow 🤣
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.