@mack44_d

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

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@seamussaid

FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

@Kendragarden

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

@hythemafia

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

@Alex_but_online

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

@jctwritesstuff

So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?

@iamspacegirl

[Drive-thru]

CRONUS: Yes- I’ll have the bucket of popcorn children

Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir?

CRONUS: omg what did I say

@theguydf

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.