No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
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Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
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I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
The USS B port
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I wish this was real life…
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Yes