I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
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Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Cucumbers Anonymous
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.