Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
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If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
‘I know a black person’
– White people
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…