No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
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Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…