“OK men, spread out.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
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me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Hello @netflix. I’ve written a script for a scary movie you could make for Halloween. It’s called “Jetpack Dracula”. Let’s make it happen.
You’re never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
When I die, the only thing I’m worried about is the staggering amount of Golden Girls erotic fan fiction that my family will find on my computer.