@jeannerbeaner

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

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@JimmerThatisAll

“OK men, spread out.”

“Oat?”

“What?”

“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”

“Dammit.”

Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

@nyquills

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

@corysnearowski

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

@RidiculousSheri

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

@Mike_Bianchi

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

@pixelatedboat

Hello @netflix. I’ve written a script for a scary movie you could make for Halloween. It’s called “Jetpack Dracula”. Let’s make it happen.

@JasonBerlin

You’re never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.

@wittwitbarista

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?

@drinksmcgee

When I die, the only thing I’m worried about is the staggering amount of Golden Girls erotic fan fiction that my family will find on my computer.