“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
You Might Also Like
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS