No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
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This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.