@LetGoBeFreeDoU

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

@osigat

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

@lukeoneil47

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

@3BlindMike

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

@Reverend_Scott

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

@kelkulus

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

@c12h22o11balls

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

@AmandaRNH

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?