No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
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Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Ha.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.