I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
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Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
spot the difference
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.