NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
You Might Also Like
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME