@Marlebean

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

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@fro_vo

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

@ceejoyner

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

@Mardigroan

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

@DustinSiskey

One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”

Best.Insult.Ever.

@tweetingdouche

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

@Marlebean

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

@ComicMikeV

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

@Underchilde

I’m sorry but shits and giggles don’t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.

@Skoogeth

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

@cjwerleman

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.