WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
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So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
One time my 4yr old got so mad at my wife he yelled, “YOU’RE RABBIT FROM WINNIE THE POOH!”
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I’m sorry but shits and giggles don’t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.